Jurassic Private Eyes

By Ty & Clint
Narrated by Clint Compsognathus

It all started on a cold snowy day in August. Ty, Matt, and I were checking out a recent crime in our patrol car. The kids were throwing snowballs at us. I was driving, Ty was snoozing, and Matt was drawing on the window. We really are professionals, even though drawing on the windows is one of our favorite past times.

We were on our way to investigate a mystery at 1313 Thirteenth Street. Someone had been robbed. When we got there, I woke Ty up. Then Matt stepped out of the car, and got hit with a snowball. I had to use the bathroom. Ty was throwing snowballs at Matt, and Matt said,
"Of course you know, this means war!"
I quickly scrambled out of the battlefield. I told Matt and Ty to wait for me. I had to find a bathroom.

After using the john, Ty, Matt, and I knocked on 1313's door. To our surprise, the door opened by itself. A voice said:
"We don't want any."
We looked down, and saw an ant dressed as a butler.
"You sure are a skimpy thing," said Ty.
"I'm not skimpy," said the ant. "You're just big." Ty and I looked at eachoter, then at Matt. Matt was preparing a snowball.
"None of that," I said. Wait till we crack the case."
This bug was a real nusiance.
"Squish 'em!" Ty said.
"I'm warning you," said the ant, "I know tae kwon doe!"
"Cool! i know Ty too!!" Matt said.

Just then, the ant came up with a kick that knocked Matt out. Ty and I were furious, so we squished him.

Once in the mansion, we talked to Scott Segisourus, the owner of the mansion. "Good morning, private eyes," said Scott, "This is such a creepy mansion, I'm so glad you're here. I wanted to talk to you about a robbery that happened last night at about 12 am, or midnight, I can't remember which."
"Well, we're here to check it out!" said matt, who had just recovered.

So we all started looking for any signs of a criminal. While passing through the next time zone (Just goes to show how big the mansion was), Matt stopped to set his watch.

"Ah-ha!!!" Ty exclaimed. We all turned to see what it was. Davy Dilophosaur was lying dead in the middle of the platinum-plated gold cigar boxes collection room. Matt said,
"Cool, we can call him dead Davy Dilophosaur!"
Scott, who was searching with us, exclaimed,
"Oh-no!! My nephew's grandfather's brother's aunt's sister's boyfriend's roommate's girlfriend's x-boyfriend's father's best friend has been murdered!" Scott cried like it was his son, not that was to far off. Matt comforted him.
"It's okay, baby. It'll be okay."

After Matt stopped acting like a mommy, we continued our mystery.
"Now, how could Davy jsut die like that?" I wondered. It was clear Davy had met death gruesomely, he had been clawed and bitten.

We called the emergency number, which was 91111111111111111. The cops and ambulances came zooming up the drive.
"Whatza prob? I wuz watchin Barney!!" said one cop.
"Someone's dead! Someone's dead!" Matt cried, jumping up and down, waving his arms.
"Have a doughnut." Ty said giving the cop one.
"Gee, tanks"
"You're welcome."
"TANKS!"
"I said; YOU ARE WELCOME!"
"No, tanks, Army Tanks!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! We all yelled. The tank was about to crush us.

"Look who's driving the tank," said Matt, "It's our old nemesis, Roger Raptor!" Unfortunately, Matt was right.

Scott told security to catch Roger. After they had, we took him to court.

"Order in the court!" yelled the judge.
"Okay," said Matt "I'll have a large coke and medium fries."
"He means be quiet, I said, "He isn't very patient."
"But I want my coke!" whined Matt.
"Okay, okay. After the trial." I replied.

The Jurassic Jury finally came to a conclusion that Roger was guilty of attempted murder and assigned him 20 years in the slammer.

When we got outside, I got Matt his coke. On the way back to the mansion, Matt was burping because he drank too much of it. Ty put on a gas mask.

At the mansion, we searched on with Scott. All of a sudden, Ty exclaimed,

"AH-HA!!!" We all ran over to see what he had found (Yes, again).
"The butler!!!!!!"

I did find something. Roger had tracked mud all over the floor in the room where Davy was killed. There was a bloodstained toenail clipping on the floor. It was Roger's.

Well, Roger got jailed for life, and we had a snowball fight.

That was fiction. It was all fiction. So don't write about it. We already did.
NAHNEE NAHNEE BOO BOO!!!
WE BEATCHA TO IT!!!

THE END


My buddy Clint and I wrote this in the 5th grade. He recently found it, scanned it, and emailed it to me. I think it is awesome. I've tried to preserve the odd formatting we used, along with typos and misspellings. The only thing missing from this reissue is the sweet Jurassic Park font we used while typing it up in WordPerfect.